The Colour of Grief

When Amanda Bicknell lost her 43 year old husband to cancer, it was her son, and her garden that helped her through. Today, she opens for the National Garden Scheme. This is her story.

In February 2021 I lost my husband Guy to cancer. He was 43, our son was 9. I’d met Guy at university when we were 19. He was a colossus of a man, in stature, heart and personality. And then he was gone.

When I look back now, I know I only survived for my son, Ted. But I learnt to live again through my garden. The overwhelm when you loose your partner is indescribable. I felt Guy’s loss everywhere. We had been a team and I literally felt like I couldn’t adult without him.

I don’t remember much about that first year, but I do remember my mum coming down for May half term. That spring I ripped the guts out of our garden. All the anger, the disbelief, the sheer rage at what had happened to us was used to cut down trees, dig up plants and pull up huge areas of paving.

In its place I planted COLOUR! Bright, bold, unapologetic colour. I can honestly say there wasn’t a plan, I truly believe it was simply my subconscious guiding me, telling me that down the line it would help, that on my darkest days I could walk out to a sea of yellows, oranges and pinks that would bring a little joy.

And it has been those small pockets of joy, a new bud on a plant, a perennial poking it’s head back out after winter, a perfect colour combination, that has helped shape my new life.

Over the past five years I have found myself in my garden. I have learnt to make decisions, found I have opinions without compromise, made mistakes and figured stuff out. I am a testament to the healing power of putting your hands in soil. That digging and tending to the earth can quieten your mind. That nurturing and growing plants can honestly help with crippling anxiety and some really dark thoughts.

I’ve also reconnected with my creative side. I’ve always been arty but it had got lost in the noise of everyday life. But now I have a massive, natural canvas to play with. I grow a lot of dahlias that need digging up every winter, but the great thing about that is no two summers have ever looked the same!

: The garden has been re-ordered and re-planted

I’m fascinated with the use of colour and how it affects our mood. I’ve started to introduce more muted tones and pastels to my garden that have brought a sense of calm that has helped with my anxiety. I still love my bold florals but having different areas of planting has helped depending on my mood.

My emotions and feelings are complex, especially as time passes. Society would have us believe that grief has five stages and is done and dusted after the first year. But that simply isn’t true, it is a long, complicated journey, one that you never truly complete. But at least I am on the right road, thanks to my garden.

I passionately believe everyone can and should garden. I hear a lot of people say they can’t keep anything alive, but I just think they haven’t found the right plant yet. For me it is dahlias. But I would suggest starting with your favourite colour and find one plant that you like the look of. Having something to look after and focus on brings rhythm to life. Checking on a plant first thing in the morning, watering it as the sun goes down, brings a gentle routine and purpose. It gets you outside. It helps.

I would recommend creating different seating areas within your space. It doesn’t need to be fancy, but having somewhere to just sit, breathe and enjoy all your hard work is so important.

And finally, gardens are for everyone. So make the space yours. If you have little ones and need a lawn, just carve out a small space to grow in. If you have inherited a mature garden don’t feel wedded to plants you didn’t choose or
don’t like. On a budget, try seeds, they really do give you a lot of bang for your buck!

Just have the confidence to try. The truth is, plants invariably WANT to grow and live so you can’t go far wrong really. Maybe it was their determination to survive that rubbed off on me. And now, with time and love, much like my little garden, I am mostly thriving again, against all the odds.

Amanda’s Top Five Plants

1. Dahlias
Bold, beautiful blooms, and come in such an astonishing array of shapes and colours, something for everyone.

2. Alstroemeria Indian Summer
The perfect plant for a tropical garden and completely hardy!

3. Dicksonia Antartica
These have a special place in my heart as Guy loved them and it was the last plant he bought me.

4. Ensete Maurelii (Red Banana)
Strong, red and green leaves. A real showstopper, and despite being tender it is worth the effort.

5. Rudbeckia Goldstrum
I’ve never understood how some people don’t like yellow flowers. These are literally rays of sunshine! Easy to grow and long flowering way into autumn.

You can visit Amanda’s garden at 48 Clarendon Street when it opens as part of Styvechale Gardens, Coventry on Sunday 7 June. For details CLICK HERE